Confusion

Man, I am really bad at writing on this but I certainly try! Sometimes you have to be in the mindset to open up your feelings. I know it's a good thing but the only time I have time is at work and it's been so crazy here lately! We had terrible hale storms last Friday which resulted in me bringing Caleb to work with me and every day this week has been pretty crazy. Jana is out til Tuesday and Kim is still out recovering from her hysterectomy. Talk about short handed and busy!

Things have been stand-still with David and I. We made an agreement to go on a date once every two weekends. We went bowling and brought dinner back to my parents house and had a decent time. Like I said, things are so very stand-still right now. He's started playing word feud again and is a bit of a cell phone junky. I've been recovering from a UTI (today was the last day of my antibiotics- woo hoo!) and I think these pills have messed with my moods a little bit. I've been trying to hold my tounge because I never know if it truly upsets me or if it's my meds. Who knows...

Last night we had quite an emotional talk- first one in a while. Of course I have a million questions going through my head periodically through the day, every day but I refrain from asking. Who wants to beat a dead horse? Trust me, I have forgiven him and her but I still have the question as to...why? Was I really that horrible? What did I do to deserve this? Then, of course I pray to God and he gets me through it. I can feel his kindness and warmth make me feel like the strongest woman in the world. Seriously, God gets me through it- it's amazing.

Anyway, the question I asked him last night was "Why did you want a divorce on January 14th and how have things changed now." Basically he said we had different priorities. It's simple, he doesn't want anymore kids and I want at least one more. Seriously, I can't live with just having an only child. It just breaks my heart. I told him that I was hoping he would  change his mind. It's not his fault. He doesn't want to have kids- it's not something he can control just like I can't control the desire to have more kids. I would feel terrible for forcing him to make sacrifices to have more kids.

He pretty much told me we have different priorities. He wants to be able to do different things with his books and not be a soccer dad. I assured him that you can do both- he kinda gave me a lemon looking face when I said that. Which means, he disagreed. We talked about him not opening up to me about his dreams. Any time I talk about his book and when I give him my insights and ideas he gets extremely defensive, changes the subject and gets mad at me. That's what hurts me so bad. He has no problem writing mushy stuff with the other woman, sharing his dreams with her, telling her amazing things and it's a chore for him to do the same to me. I mean, forget sharing intimate details about his work. The vague letters he sometimes writes to me vs what he wrote to her is a joke. Of course he thanks me for making dinner and cleaning but I don't know what he really loves/likes about me. He thinks he tells me enough- but I never hear it. I would say "Oh, he's a guy they have a hard time expressing themselves". That excuse doesn't work for a guy who did that kind of expressing at the beginning of our relationship and not two months ago did it with another woman. It's all so very painful.

With all that aside, the kids issue. I cried, cried and cried. I am so thankful for Caleb not knowing exactly what's going on. He didn't know why Mommy was crying though. It's painful. My husband wants to crush my dreams and after talking last night, he still has feelings for the other woman. He wouldn't answer when I asked if he thinks about her...of course he's still fond of her. I'm really beginning to lose hope right now. I've been so positive these past couple of weeks, keeping things to myself, etc. You'll be surprised to know that we were talking very civilly. I mean no one raised their voices, we talked very calmly, rationally...it was really amazing. Towards the end of the conversation I mentioned divorce. I was very matter of fact about it. I told him if she was amazing as he says she is, perhaps they belong together. I mean seriously. If he's able to share his dreams, if she doesn't want kids, she's as interesting and unbelievable as he says she is- heck, go for it! It's better than being so BLAH around me. I deserve happiness too, not just half of a man's heart.

Basically, I just want a choice to be made. I have more love inside of me for him than he can ever imagine. I have more grace and kindness than I never knew I had before this situation. I can love him til the day he dies if he wants. But, if I'm not what he wants, I will certainly survive. I never understood these pathetic women who want their man back whose moved on to someone else. What good is it to be with a man that doesn't even love you? Seriously- how much sense does that make?

Basically it ended with me telling him that I can't compromise my need to have kids. I think we can get past the affair. I've already put that to rest for the most part, and I think with counseling and reassurance we can work through him opening up about his work- I mean I hope...it takes two to tango. But I know I'll be resentful and miserable if he tells me it's not going to happen with having more kids. And basically I told him that he needs to respect me enough to tell me if he feels more strongly for someone else and if he's absolutely not going to have any more children with me. It ended with a hug and a kiss. This morning he snuggled with me and wrapped his arms around me when he was leaving for work.

It's all I've been thinking about today. I'm just ever so confused. I don't know if he loves me, I feel like I'm not enough for him and I feel like all of this is a waste of time. I hate having my time wasted. I'm trying to let the dust settle before going back into it. I get exhausted from all the talking too. I'm supposed to volunteer for the LIFE House Animal rescue place on Friday and Saturday. Friday, I'll barely see him at all- which may be a good thing to be away from one another. Or it'll give him more room to carry on another affair- just kidding, kind of. Man how much it hurts to feel like you're losing something you've worked SO hard for.