Man, I am really bad at writing on this but I certainly try! Sometimes you have to be in the mindset to open up your feelings. I know it's a good thing but the only time I have time is at work and it's been so crazy here lately! We had terrible hale storms last Friday which resulted in me bringing Caleb to work with me and every day this week has been pretty crazy. Jana is out til Tuesday and Kim is still out recovering from her hysterectomy. Talk about short handed and busy!
Things have been stand-still with David and I. We made an agreement to go on a date once every two weekends. We went bowling and brought dinner back to my parents house and had a decent time. Like I said, things are so very stand-still right now. He's started playing word feud again and is a bit of a cell phone junky. I've been recovering from a UTI (today was the last day of my antibiotics- woo hoo!) and I think these pills have messed with my moods a little bit. I've been trying to hold my tounge because I never know if it truly upsets me or if it's my meds. Who knows...
Last night we had quite an emotional talk- first one in a while. Of course I have a million questions going through my head periodically through the day, every day but I refrain from asking. Who wants to beat a dead horse? Trust me, I have forgiven him and her but I still have the question as to...why? Was I really that horrible? What did I do to deserve this? Then, of course I pray to God and he gets me through it. I can feel his kindness and warmth make me feel like the strongest woman in the world. Seriously, God gets me through it- it's amazing.
Anyway, the question I asked him last night was "Why did you want a divorce on January 14th and how have things changed now." Basically he said we had different priorities. It's simple, he doesn't want anymore kids and I want at least one more. Seriously, I can't live with just having an only child. It just breaks my heart. I told him that I was hoping he would change his mind. It's not his fault. He doesn't want to have kids- it's not something he can control just like I can't control the desire to have more kids. I would feel terrible for forcing him to make sacrifices to have more kids.
He pretty much told me we have different priorities. He wants to be able to do different things with his books and not be a soccer dad. I assured him that you can do both- he kinda gave me a lemon looking face when I said that. Which means, he disagreed. We talked about him not opening up to me about his dreams. Any time I talk about his book and when I give him my insights and ideas he gets extremely defensive, changes the subject and gets mad at me. That's what hurts me so bad. He has no problem writing mushy stuff with the other woman, sharing his dreams with her, telling her amazing things and it's a chore for him to do the same to me. I mean, forget sharing intimate details about his work. The vague letters he sometimes writes to me vs what he wrote to her is a joke. Of course he thanks me for making dinner and cleaning but I don't know what he really loves/likes about me. He thinks he tells me enough- but I never hear it. I would say "Oh, he's a guy they have a hard time expressing themselves". That excuse doesn't work for a guy who did that kind of expressing at the beginning of our relationship and not two months ago did it with another woman. It's all so very painful.
With all that aside, the kids issue. I cried, cried and cried. I am so thankful for Caleb not knowing exactly what's going on. He didn't know why Mommy was crying though. It's painful. My husband wants to crush my dreams and after talking last night, he still has feelings for the other woman. He wouldn't answer when I asked if he thinks about her...of course he's still fond of her. I'm really beginning to lose hope right now. I've been so positive these past couple of weeks, keeping things to myself, etc. You'll be surprised to know that we were talking very civilly. I mean no one raised their voices, we talked very calmly, rationally...it was really amazing. Towards the end of the conversation I mentioned divorce. I was very matter of fact about it. I told him if she was amazing as he says she is, perhaps they belong together. I mean seriously. If he's able to share his dreams, if she doesn't want kids, she's as interesting and unbelievable as he says she is- heck, go for it! It's better than being so BLAH around me. I deserve happiness too, not just half of a man's heart.
Basically, I just want a choice to be made. I have more love inside of me for him than he can ever imagine. I have more grace and kindness than I never knew I had before this situation. I can love him til the day he dies if he wants. But, if I'm not what he wants, I will certainly survive. I never understood these pathetic women who want their man back whose moved on to someone else. What good is it to be with a man that doesn't even love you? Seriously- how much sense does that make?
Basically it ended with me telling him that I can't compromise my need to have kids. I think we can get past the affair. I've already put that to rest for the most part, and I think with counseling and reassurance we can work through him opening up about his work- I mean I hope...it takes two to tango. But I know I'll be resentful and miserable if he tells me it's not going to happen with having more kids. And basically I told him that he needs to respect me enough to tell me if he feels more strongly for someone else and if he's absolutely not going to have any more children with me. It ended with a hug and a kiss. This morning he snuggled with me and wrapped his arms around me when he was leaving for work.
It's all I've been thinking about today. I'm just ever so confused. I don't know if he loves me, I feel like I'm not enough for him and I feel like all of this is a waste of time. I hate having my time wasted. I'm trying to let the dust settle before going back into it. I get exhausted from all the talking too. I'm supposed to volunteer for the LIFE House Animal rescue place on Friday and Saturday. Friday, I'll barely see him at all- which may be a good thing to be away from one another. Or it'll give him more room to carry on another affair- just kidding, kind of. Man how much it hurts to feel like you're losing something you've worked SO hard for.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
God came crashing through
Honestly, journaling isn't my thing. Our marriage counselor told me it would be a good idea to start getting my thoughts down and focus on them. Why would I really want to focus on these terrible thoughts? I don't know what I even wrote down in my last post. I just know the jist of what happened needed to be thrown out there and faced before I write my healing and moving on posts.
The way I handled the affair was not good. It was and still is the most painful thing to go through. How could he do such a thing? Didn't he love me? What did I do that was so bad for him to want to find something in someone else? The worst part was he didn't know. He just had more of a connection with someone else and it's not something that I particularly did. It's so hard to move on from something and create a happy life together when you don't know why that person hurt you in the first place.
We had started seeing Jim I guess for four sessions now. I absolutely love him, Dave not to much. To your utter shock Jim doesn't agree a lot with Dave's thoughts and boasts me as high to the moon. He thinks I have so much strength and grace, rubs that in David's face on top of scolding Dave in a nice way. But last Wednesday we had a break through- or I did.
We had been going on the merry-go-round of me just losing my ever loving mind. I would have battles of good vs evil. The evil voices were winning. They would tell me how I was holding David back, how he needed to move on with someone else, that I simply wasn't good enough and even sometimes the voices would tell me I needed to divorce him because I deserved better. The good voices would tell me to be patient , to love him, to look at the things i did wrong and try to fix our marriage. Between the two voices, which ones were easier to listen to and act on? The bad ones of course! It felt good to belittle him and get angry when he didn't live up to my expectations. Oh my, what a terrible path I was going down- and that path would lead to bitter town and of course- divorce.
Jim had us read this book called "The Love Dare". It was a 40 day book you would read, it would give you helpful scriptures, delightful insights, "dares" that you needed to do with your spouse, etc. Last Wednesday was day #25. It talked about forgiveness. Oh how I dreaded this day. Forgiveness? Are ya kidding me? How could I forgive him after what he did to me, how could I forgive HER? They put me through hell, how can I let it go? God cleared that right up. I decided right then and there that it takes way too much energy to continue punishing someone that wasn't any of my business to punish. The book said that you need to let things go- pray to god to help you forgive - turn it over to him and you'll feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. And boy did the good voices start being so much clearer than the evil ones.
God told me that I need to be patient. I need to tell David that I forgive him and Sylvia. The expectations I had for David were way too high. This is something that was a major break-through for me. Yes, it's not really easy, but EASIER to just turn it over to God and forgive someone but how to move on? He told me to work on myself - to be the sweet person I used to be. I had strayed from God so badly and listened to Satan who steered me in the wrong direction. I was putting way too much pressure on myself and on Dave.
On Sunday there was actually a sermon on marriage. A wonderful sermon. It talked about women falling head over heels in love with their husbands and holding them high high up.And these words still speak to me so clearly "Ladies, you are worshiping the wrong God." Amazing huh? I was worshiping the wrong God! Of course! Dave WILL let me down, he is human- but God will never let me down. That's why he's God. He's extraordinary. That right there helped me let go of the resentment and understand that he made a mistake, it happened- he IS here. He does still want to have sex with me, he is willing to work through things- it's time to work on myself - to follow the path of God.
Last Saturday we had a rough conversation. I had been so good since that Wednesday. I wrote him a letter that day, asked him for forgiveness for my short-comings , it was wonderful. It still seemed like he was so closed off after I poured out my heart and soul and still wasn't very talkitive about things. Saturday we had a decent conversation that turned into tears. I'm not even sure how it got to that point but he basically looked me in the face and said "I've talked to God too and he told me he brought her into my heart." Wow. Talk about a slap in the face. That really just broke my heart all over again. What was that even supposed to mean? Did he really just say that God wanted him to leave his wife for another woman? I mean seriously, what was it about? After a while of discussing he likes to dig his head in the sand and stop talking about things then and there. Man how irritating that is. He just reluctantly agrees and just doesn't want to discuss it any further and complains about him being over the conversation. So I pretty much stormed out and said "Okay fine, you have to dominate what conversations you want to contribute to. Fine." And left to take care of our cranky son at the time.
He came out, apologized for being difficult and it was dropped. Oh...but was it really? Yesterday- Tuesday was the day of our bi-weekly counseling session. I made sure to bring it up and man did Jim lay into him. David basically said he was confused- he thought God was telling him that he brings people into his heart. And Jim said that God would never confuse us like that- that God is for marriage and that we said a vow under God's words. Man, how did this husband of mine get so messed up? We still have yet to talk about our session last night- and I actually am reluctant. I know we need to continue communicating but it usually ends with him saying something that hurts my feelings.
God has definitely been helping me through all of this. Without faith, I wouldn't be here. There is so much good and evil in this situation screaming at me. I choose to not believe Satan's lies, to think positively and believe that we will be the happiest we have ever been. I feel so wise. I know that it's not about finding the right person but BEING the right person. I was watching The Bachelor the other night. They were talking about having the perfect relationship and how wonderful the other person is...yada yada. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but man- what a load of crap. As humans, we aren't capable of being in that kind of love forever. When you're first with your boyfriend or girlfriend you do what it takes to impress that person. You bend over backwards, cover your flaws and think that it's all going to work out because you found..."the one". Pffft.
That's what happened to Dave and I. He covered up the average joe that was disguised by Mr.Wonderful. He wrote me poems, he wrote me letters every day, he came out to my house every day because I was just so worth it, he didn't want to watch sports- I was much too wonderful to miss out on, he loved my family, he thought snuggling with me was all he ever wanted, he wanted to marry me, etc etc. Seriously, I thought Dave was the only guy who would be like that forever. What a fool I was, so young, so nieve. During dating times we would have spats- I was a kid when we got together, I had a temper- as did he. We fought over stupid crap. Man, if only I knew the kind of crap we would fight over in the future.
The beginning part of the marriage was actually really good. We did our pre-martial counseling and thought "man, what's the big deal- it's still us, right?" Getting back from the honeymoon we got back to same ol' life and thought it was funny about how people thought marriage was so hard. Really? What's so bad about it? I think what changed was when Caleb was born. Our lives were totally centered around him and I think Dave began to get more impatient and more selfish. Not to say I didn't, but I really think that's what happened. When you have your grouchy wife at home with your toddler son (when she's not at her regular full time job) it's so easy to go into the arms of a stranger that seems to much more pleasant. And with that, we're looking at the honeymoon phase of a relationship all over again...bending over backwards for one another to seem so much more attractive to one another.
I just hope and pray that he continues to love only me. My trust is going to be battered for a long time. I want him to have friends but to just not fall in love with someone else...is that too much to ask? I will continue to pray and grow strong from this experience.
The way I handled the affair was not good. It was and still is the most painful thing to go through. How could he do such a thing? Didn't he love me? What did I do that was so bad for him to want to find something in someone else? The worst part was he didn't know. He just had more of a connection with someone else and it's not something that I particularly did. It's so hard to move on from something and create a happy life together when you don't know why that person hurt you in the first place.
We had started seeing Jim I guess for four sessions now. I absolutely love him, Dave not to much. To your utter shock Jim doesn't agree a lot with Dave's thoughts and boasts me as high to the moon. He thinks I have so much strength and grace, rubs that in David's face on top of scolding Dave in a nice way. But last Wednesday we had a break through- or I did.
We had been going on the merry-go-round of me just losing my ever loving mind. I would have battles of good vs evil. The evil voices were winning. They would tell me how I was holding David back, how he needed to move on with someone else, that I simply wasn't good enough and even sometimes the voices would tell me I needed to divorce him because I deserved better. The good voices would tell me to be patient , to love him, to look at the things i did wrong and try to fix our marriage. Between the two voices, which ones were easier to listen to and act on? The bad ones of course! It felt good to belittle him and get angry when he didn't live up to my expectations. Oh my, what a terrible path I was going down- and that path would lead to bitter town and of course- divorce.
Jim had us read this book called "The Love Dare". It was a 40 day book you would read, it would give you helpful scriptures, delightful insights, "dares" that you needed to do with your spouse, etc. Last Wednesday was day #25. It talked about forgiveness. Oh how I dreaded this day. Forgiveness? Are ya kidding me? How could I forgive him after what he did to me, how could I forgive HER? They put me through hell, how can I let it go? God cleared that right up. I decided right then and there that it takes way too much energy to continue punishing someone that wasn't any of my business to punish. The book said that you need to let things go- pray to god to help you forgive - turn it over to him and you'll feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. And boy did the good voices start being so much clearer than the evil ones.
God told me that I need to be patient. I need to tell David that I forgive him and Sylvia. The expectations I had for David were way too high. This is something that was a major break-through for me. Yes, it's not really easy, but EASIER to just turn it over to God and forgive someone but how to move on? He told me to work on myself - to be the sweet person I used to be. I had strayed from God so badly and listened to Satan who steered me in the wrong direction. I was putting way too much pressure on myself and on Dave.
On Sunday there was actually a sermon on marriage. A wonderful sermon. It talked about women falling head over heels in love with their husbands and holding them high high up.And these words still speak to me so clearly "Ladies, you are worshiping the wrong God." Amazing huh? I was worshiping the wrong God! Of course! Dave WILL let me down, he is human- but God will never let me down. That's why he's God. He's extraordinary. That right there helped me let go of the resentment and understand that he made a mistake, it happened- he IS here. He does still want to have sex with me, he is willing to work through things- it's time to work on myself - to follow the path of God.
Last Saturday we had a rough conversation. I had been so good since that Wednesday. I wrote him a letter that day, asked him for forgiveness for my short-comings , it was wonderful. It still seemed like he was so closed off after I poured out my heart and soul and still wasn't very talkitive about things. Saturday we had a decent conversation that turned into tears. I'm not even sure how it got to that point but he basically looked me in the face and said "I've talked to God too and he told me he brought her into my heart." Wow. Talk about a slap in the face. That really just broke my heart all over again. What was that even supposed to mean? Did he really just say that God wanted him to leave his wife for another woman? I mean seriously, what was it about? After a while of discussing he likes to dig his head in the sand and stop talking about things then and there. Man how irritating that is. He just reluctantly agrees and just doesn't want to discuss it any further and complains about him being over the conversation. So I pretty much stormed out and said "Okay fine, you have to dominate what conversations you want to contribute to. Fine." And left to take care of our cranky son at the time.
He came out, apologized for being difficult and it was dropped. Oh...but was it really? Yesterday- Tuesday was the day of our bi-weekly counseling session. I made sure to bring it up and man did Jim lay into him. David basically said he was confused- he thought God was telling him that he brings people into his heart. And Jim said that God would never confuse us like that- that God is for marriage and that we said a vow under God's words. Man, how did this husband of mine get so messed up? We still have yet to talk about our session last night- and I actually am reluctant. I know we need to continue communicating but it usually ends with him saying something that hurts my feelings.
God has definitely been helping me through all of this. Without faith, I wouldn't be here. There is so much good and evil in this situation screaming at me. I choose to not believe Satan's lies, to think positively and believe that we will be the happiest we have ever been. I feel so wise. I know that it's not about finding the right person but BEING the right person. I was watching The Bachelor the other night. They were talking about having the perfect relationship and how wonderful the other person is...yada yada. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but man- what a load of crap. As humans, we aren't capable of being in that kind of love forever. When you're first with your boyfriend or girlfriend you do what it takes to impress that person. You bend over backwards, cover your flaws and think that it's all going to work out because you found..."the one". Pffft.
That's what happened to Dave and I. He covered up the average joe that was disguised by Mr.Wonderful. He wrote me poems, he wrote me letters every day, he came out to my house every day because I was just so worth it, he didn't want to watch sports- I was much too wonderful to miss out on, he loved my family, he thought snuggling with me was all he ever wanted, he wanted to marry me, etc etc. Seriously, I thought Dave was the only guy who would be like that forever. What a fool I was, so young, so nieve. During dating times we would have spats- I was a kid when we got together, I had a temper- as did he. We fought over stupid crap. Man, if only I knew the kind of crap we would fight over in the future.
The beginning part of the marriage was actually really good. We did our pre-martial counseling and thought "man, what's the big deal- it's still us, right?" Getting back from the honeymoon we got back to same ol' life and thought it was funny about how people thought marriage was so hard. Really? What's so bad about it? I think what changed was when Caleb was born. Our lives were totally centered around him and I think Dave began to get more impatient and more selfish. Not to say I didn't, but I really think that's what happened. When you have your grouchy wife at home with your toddler son (when she's not at her regular full time job) it's so easy to go into the arms of a stranger that seems to much more pleasant. And with that, we're looking at the honeymoon phase of a relationship all over again...bending over backwards for one another to seem so much more attractive to one another.
I just hope and pray that he continues to love only me. My trust is going to be battered for a long time. I want him to have friends but to just not fall in love with someone else...is that too much to ask? I will continue to pray and grow strong from this experience.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
My World Crashing down
Obviously, I have been bad at keeping up with this blog on Caleb's progression. Instead, this will be an affair blog- me coping with it. That's right, a lot has changed. David had an emotional affair with a co-worker and I can't believe the emotional pain I have been in. It's really been a nightmare.
We have been having problems, but really nothing terrible. It wasn't like we were miserable. Her name is Sylvia. I actually met her a time or two. We went on a double date a couple months ago and she seemed real nice- I've met her in the office when I'd bring Caleb in to see his co-workers. I never would have imagined something like this happening. Dave was cheated on by three different women so I thought he would be the last person to do such a terrible thing.
Sylvia had been dating one of Dave's friends. Nothing real serious- but they were dating. Dave would go over to Sylvia's house where Todd was and hung out- I guess to get away and chill out. Which was fine. Well, things started getting complicated. I pretty much lost my mind when he told me that he hung out with her alone while Todd had to go do something- not sure what. And there were other instances when I would walk in on him IMing her on facebook and hiding the IM when I walked into the room. Like...really? He accused me of not trusting him and all that jazz. Basically I told him I didn't want him spending time alone with her but obviously he can have friends.
Anytime after that, when I would ask about her, it was just one word answers. "Oh she's fine- things are good". Just blaten lies. On January 14, 2012 all hell broke loose. We had been going through lots of tention- I could tell things weren't right. He showed no interest in me, spent most of his time in his computer room, etc. It was bad. On the hell breaking loose day- he sat down with me and told me he no longer wanted to have anymore kids. And basically implied that if I did (which he knew I did) that I deserve to be happy with someone that could give that to me. Ouch.
Basically we decided that we would be getting a divorce. We both called our parents, mine of course wanted to come over and console me. Dave spent forever on the phone with his parents and my parents were almost at our house when he got off the phone and immediately wanted to leave. He snuck out the back door when they were coming up the front door. I was a total mess- this is something heavy enough to deal with, without having a child to also care for- but I still had to think about Caleb. Thank god he's too young to know what's going on.
It was like everything was frozen at that point.I kept thinking...what now? I only make $1400 a month- am I going to have to move back home? What about my job- I would have a long commute each day to work- what about child care? What about our house? Aren't divorces expensive? How civally are things going to go down? How embarrassing to get divorced after just 3 years being married. But mainly I just questioned...what do I do now? It was a terrible terrible feeling. That was nothing compared to what came about next.
Dad ended up going back home- Mom was helping me clean the house and take care of Caleb. Dave pretty much was being very ugly to me. I told him I didn't want to co-habit in the house and he kept telling me his name was on the deed and that he wasn't going anywhere. Yeah, it was bad. Well, I decided to do some snooping on his tablet. Yep, that's how I found out. There were love letters to her, songs, you name it. He would tell her how much he loved her, how she is the most amazing woman in his life, how he wanted to make love to her...oh it was terrible. Very powerful words. Saying my heart was broken is an understatement.
He finally came home when my mom was there and it just kept getting worse. I called him on the phone and told him I knew. Or actually, I screamed at him that I knew. He still denied it. He said "What? You know that we're still friends?". Like, really? You're not even man enough to admit it? He finally came home and I threw every shirt he owned on the floor and told him to get out- and did the "how could you"s. All he could say was "It just happened". How do writing love letters just happen? He said that he let it go too far and he was sorry. He said they connected during a difficult time. She's written a couple of books, wanted to do a playwright, has a law background that he's interested in, etc. Pretty painful stuff- especially when he always told me "After what Holly put me through, do you think I'd ever do something like that to you?". Ha, I guess the answer to that statement is, yes.
We have been having problems, but really nothing terrible. It wasn't like we were miserable. Her name is Sylvia. I actually met her a time or two. We went on a double date a couple months ago and she seemed real nice- I've met her in the office when I'd bring Caleb in to see his co-workers. I never would have imagined something like this happening. Dave was cheated on by three different women so I thought he would be the last person to do such a terrible thing.
Sylvia had been dating one of Dave's friends. Nothing real serious- but they were dating. Dave would go over to Sylvia's house where Todd was and hung out- I guess to get away and chill out. Which was fine. Well, things started getting complicated. I pretty much lost my mind when he told me that he hung out with her alone while Todd had to go do something- not sure what. And there were other instances when I would walk in on him IMing her on facebook and hiding the IM when I walked into the room. Like...really? He accused me of not trusting him and all that jazz. Basically I told him I didn't want him spending time alone with her but obviously he can have friends.
Anytime after that, when I would ask about her, it was just one word answers. "Oh she's fine- things are good". Just blaten lies. On January 14, 2012 all hell broke loose. We had been going through lots of tention- I could tell things weren't right. He showed no interest in me, spent most of his time in his computer room, etc. It was bad. On the hell breaking loose day- he sat down with me and told me he no longer wanted to have anymore kids. And basically implied that if I did (which he knew I did) that I deserve to be happy with someone that could give that to me. Ouch.
Basically we decided that we would be getting a divorce. We both called our parents, mine of course wanted to come over and console me. Dave spent forever on the phone with his parents and my parents were almost at our house when he got off the phone and immediately wanted to leave. He snuck out the back door when they were coming up the front door. I was a total mess- this is something heavy enough to deal with, without having a child to also care for- but I still had to think about Caleb. Thank god he's too young to know what's going on.
It was like everything was frozen at that point.I kept thinking...what now? I only make $1400 a month- am I going to have to move back home? What about my job- I would have a long commute each day to work- what about child care? What about our house? Aren't divorces expensive? How civally are things going to go down? How embarrassing to get divorced after just 3 years being married. But mainly I just questioned...what do I do now? It was a terrible terrible feeling. That was nothing compared to what came about next.
Dad ended up going back home- Mom was helping me clean the house and take care of Caleb. Dave pretty much was being very ugly to me. I told him I didn't want to co-habit in the house and he kept telling me his name was on the deed and that he wasn't going anywhere. Yeah, it was bad. Well, I decided to do some snooping on his tablet. Yep, that's how I found out. There were love letters to her, songs, you name it. He would tell her how much he loved her, how she is the most amazing woman in his life, how he wanted to make love to her...oh it was terrible. Very powerful words. Saying my heart was broken is an understatement.
He finally came home when my mom was there and it just kept getting worse. I called him on the phone and told him I knew. Or actually, I screamed at him that I knew. He still denied it. He said "What? You know that we're still friends?". Like, really? You're not even man enough to admit it? He finally came home and I threw every shirt he owned on the floor and told him to get out- and did the "how could you"s. All he could say was "It just happened". How do writing love letters just happen? He said that he let it go too far and he was sorry. He said they connected during a difficult time. She's written a couple of books, wanted to do a playwright, has a law background that he's interested in, etc. Pretty painful stuff- especially when he always told me "After what Holly put me through, do you think I'd ever do something like that to you?". Ha, I guess the answer to that statement is, yes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)