Honestly, journaling isn't my thing. Our marriage counselor told me it would be a good idea to start getting my thoughts down and focus on them. Why would I really want to focus on these terrible thoughts? I don't know what I even wrote down in my last post. I just know the jist of what happened needed to be thrown out there and faced before I write my healing and moving on posts.
The way I handled the affair was not good. It was and still is the most painful thing to go through. How could he do such a thing? Didn't he love me? What did I do that was so bad for him to want to find something in someone else? The worst part was he didn't know. He just had more of a connection with someone else and it's not something that I particularly did. It's so hard to move on from something and create a happy life together when you don't know why that person hurt you in the first place.
We had started seeing Jim I guess for four sessions now. I absolutely love him, Dave not to much. To your utter shock Jim doesn't agree a lot with Dave's thoughts and boasts me as high to the moon. He thinks I have so much strength and grace, rubs that in David's face on top of scolding Dave in a nice way. But last Wednesday we had a break through- or I did.
We had been going on the merry-go-round of me just losing my ever loving mind. I would have battles of good vs evil. The evil voices were winning. They would tell me how I was holding David back, how he needed to move on with someone else, that I simply wasn't good enough and even sometimes the voices would tell me I needed to divorce him because I deserved better. The good voices would tell me to be patient , to love him, to look at the things i did wrong and try to fix our marriage. Between the two voices, which ones were easier to listen to and act on? The bad ones of course! It felt good to belittle him and get angry when he didn't live up to my expectations. Oh my, what a terrible path I was going down- and that path would lead to bitter town and of course- divorce.
Jim had us read this book called "The Love Dare". It was a 40 day book you would read, it would give you helpful scriptures, delightful insights, "dares" that you needed to do with your spouse, etc. Last Wednesday was day #25. It talked about forgiveness. Oh how I dreaded this day. Forgiveness? Are ya kidding me? How could I forgive him after what he did to me, how could I forgive HER? They put me through hell, how can I let it go? God cleared that right up. I decided right then and there that it takes way too much energy to continue punishing someone that wasn't any of my business to punish. The book said that you need to let things go- pray to god to help you forgive - turn it over to him and you'll feel the weight lifted from your shoulders. And boy did the good voices start being so much clearer than the evil ones.
God told me that I need to be patient. I need to tell David that I forgive him and Sylvia. The expectations I had for David were way too high. This is something that was a major break-through for me. Yes, it's not really easy, but EASIER to just turn it over to God and forgive someone but how to move on? He told me to work on myself - to be the sweet person I used to be. I had strayed from God so badly and listened to Satan who steered me in the wrong direction. I was putting way too much pressure on myself and on Dave.
On Sunday there was actually a sermon on marriage. A wonderful sermon. It talked about women falling head over heels in love with their husbands and holding them high high up.And these words still speak to me so clearly "Ladies, you are worshiping the wrong God." Amazing huh? I was worshiping the wrong God! Of course! Dave WILL let me down, he is human- but God will never let me down. That's why he's God. He's extraordinary. That right there helped me let go of the resentment and understand that he made a mistake, it happened- he IS here. He does still want to have sex with me, he is willing to work through things- it's time to work on myself - to follow the path of God.
Last Saturday we had a rough conversation. I had been so good since that Wednesday. I wrote him a letter that day, asked him for forgiveness for my short-comings , it was wonderful. It still seemed like he was so closed off after I poured out my heart and soul and still wasn't very talkitive about things. Saturday we had a decent conversation that turned into tears. I'm not even sure how it got to that point but he basically looked me in the face and said "I've talked to God too and he told me he brought her into my heart." Wow. Talk about a slap in the face. That really just broke my heart all over again. What was that even supposed to mean? Did he really just say that God wanted him to leave his wife for another woman? I mean seriously, what was it about? After a while of discussing he likes to dig his head in the sand and stop talking about things then and there. Man how irritating that is. He just reluctantly agrees and just doesn't want to discuss it any further and complains about him being over the conversation. So I pretty much stormed out and said "Okay fine, you have to dominate what conversations you want to contribute to. Fine." And left to take care of our cranky son at the time.
He came out, apologized for being difficult and it was dropped. Oh...but was it really? Yesterday- Tuesday was the day of our bi-weekly counseling session. I made sure to bring it up and man did Jim lay into him. David basically said he was confused- he thought God was telling him that he brings people into his heart. And Jim said that God would never confuse us like that- that God is for marriage and that we said a vow under God's words. Man, how did this husband of mine get so messed up? We still have yet to talk about our session last night- and I actually am reluctant. I know we need to continue communicating but it usually ends with him saying something that hurts my feelings.
God has definitely been helping me through all of this. Without faith, I wouldn't be here. There is so much good and evil in this situation screaming at me. I choose to not believe Satan's lies, to think positively and believe that we will be the happiest we have ever been. I feel so wise. I know that it's not about finding the right person but BEING the right person. I was watching The Bachelor the other night. They were talking about having the perfect relationship and how wonderful the other person is...yada yada. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but man- what a load of crap. As humans, we aren't capable of being in that kind of love forever. When you're first with your boyfriend or girlfriend you do what it takes to impress that person. You bend over backwards, cover your flaws and think that it's all going to work out because you found..."the one". Pffft.
That's what happened to Dave and I. He covered up the average joe that was disguised by Mr.Wonderful. He wrote me poems, he wrote me letters every day, he came out to my house every day because I was just so worth it, he didn't want to watch sports- I was much too wonderful to miss out on, he loved my family, he thought snuggling with me was all he ever wanted, he wanted to marry me, etc etc. Seriously, I thought Dave was the only guy who would be like that forever. What a fool I was, so young, so nieve. During dating times we would have spats- I was a kid when we got together, I had a temper- as did he. We fought over stupid crap. Man, if only I knew the kind of crap we would fight over in the future.
The beginning part of the marriage was actually really good. We did our pre-martial counseling and thought "man, what's the big deal- it's still us, right?" Getting back from the honeymoon we got back to same ol' life and thought it was funny about how people thought marriage was so hard. Really? What's so bad about it? I think what changed was when Caleb was born. Our lives were totally centered around him and I think Dave began to get more impatient and more selfish. Not to say I didn't, but I really think that's what happened. When you have your grouchy wife at home with your toddler son (when she's not at her regular full time job) it's so easy to go into the arms of a stranger that seems to much more pleasant. And with that, we're looking at the honeymoon phase of a relationship all over again...bending over backwards for one another to seem so much more attractive to one another.
I just hope and pray that he continues to love only me. My trust is going to be battered for a long time. I want him to have friends but to just not fall in love with someone else...is that too much to ask? I will continue to pray and grow strong from this experience.
No comments:
Post a Comment